Domestic Violence can happen to anyone

I have been debating for a long time on writing this post. It's very personal and has effecting me badly over a couple of years. They always tell you to never say this won't happen or could happen to me.  Well I was really wrong, it did happen to me. A few years ago I met a guy online who at first seemed really great. We spent many hours on the phone just talking and getting to know each other. He lived in another state not far from mine so it took some time before we decided to meet. It had been months of talking and us growing really attached to each other. I had noticed a couple of things I was not to sure about but I mainly blamed it on his age. He was still in that party stage.

One summer we decided to meet finally and spend a week together here at my house. Considering the fact I had children I knew I couldn't just up and leave for that long. We had a great week together when he was here, nothing out of the ordinary. We decided that he could move down here and find him a job. I had already checked him out before making this decision. Yes he had somewhat of a rough past because of growing up homeless but nothing that would harm my children. Things were going great for awhile but then it turned for the worse. He was having trouble finding work due to his past record. Which led him to drinking. The kind of drinking that he didn't stop til I was helping him to bed or fetching a trash can because he was sick. At first it started with small things like fussing with me. But I just told myself he needed to sleep it off. Things will be better in the morning and we can go about our day. Well it did until something else happened and he drank again.

Finally things hit rock bottom for us and I knew it would probably not get better. The small arguments turned into him insulting me. Putting me down to the point I felt like I was a piece of dirt. I was called worthless and other terrible names that I will not dare type them out. From those arguments it finally reached to the point of him putting his hands on me and shoving me. Or hitting me with a belt across my arms that would have hit my face if I would not have blocked. I have been pinned to the bed and mouth covered to where I can't breathe. Or chocked for a brief moment then he stop. No my children never witnessed these things but sadly they could hear us fighting with words. They knew that mommy was sad and not happy like she use to be.

Then the worst fight of all happened. He was really drunk and I should have just left. Instead I said something that really set him off. I was chased up stairs and him blocking me from leaving. He had my phone and would not let me have it. I was scared really scared this time. This time I couldn't run to the bathroom and lock myself in away from him. He had me cornered like a caged animal that was fearing from death. I could see the anger in his eyes and I was trying to tell him anything and everything that he would want to hear just to calm him down. But it wouldn't work this time. He snapped and grabbed me and threw me down on the bed. I was punched multiple times to the side of the face and head thrown against my dresser. Finally he ended up wrapping his hands around my throat and squeezing to the point that I blacked out for a moment. I was fighting for my life and all I could think about was prying his hands off and living for another day for my kids.

He finally stopped when he realized what he was doing. I managed to get us out of the house to make him think we was going to go do what he wanted. I called the cops and they came after he had done left where we was at. They could see the scratch marks on my neck from me fighting him off. I already had bruising popping up on the side of my face. They didn't catch him til a few days later when he finally got tired of hiding and turned himself in. I was a wreck, a emotional wreck. Of course he ended up coming back because I was stupid at the time. I felt like I was stuck with him. And he tried to make it out to be like there was something wrong with me. He tore me apart to where I felt like I was nothing and no one would want me. But God saved me one day when some other issues happened and he was forced to leave. It was from that day I could finally regain myself.

To this day I still question why I did what I did. Why did I put up with it for so long. I still suffer some nights and days thinking he will come back. Yes he did jail time for the assault. But I still live scared. When you are in a abusive relationship you are torn down to feel like you can't leave. Like you can't make it without them. I understand fully now of how these women feel. I thank God everyday for letting me make it out alive to see another day. So please, just know it can happen to anyone. Just do whatever you can to get out before it turns bad. Don't ignore the flags that are before you. If you know anyone that is going through this give them that strength to leave.

My personal entry for Saturday

I know that most times I seem to be pretty cheerful and post happy things. But we all know each and every one of us has things that make us different. We all have things that are in our past that makes us who we are. So who is Jessica?

I was born and raised in North Carolina. Never lived anywhere else but have visited a few other states. I have one younger brother and no other siblings. Family has always been a big part of my life. If you do not have family then what else is there? I have lost quite a few family members over the years and it hurts. I have no remaining grandparents, which bothers me. It seems when you lose grandparents the family starts to separate themselves from the rest of the pack. I will start with my wonderful and free spirited grandmother Jessie. I looked up to her so much. She was full of life and it was infectious. My weekends as a little girl was spent at her house. I was named after her and people say that I resemble her. But as I got a few years older she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I soon watched her change and then lost her hair. Finally something happened that she was put on meds where she was sleeping all the time. I remember coming with my mom to check on her and clean up. Not to long after my mom picked me up from school and she told me Mamaw Jessie passed away. I felt even as a young child, that a small part of me had been ripped away. My grandmothers husband passed away a long time ago so I do not remember him. Then there is my other two grandparents from my mom side of the family that passed away here recently within the years. So many wonderful memories are spent with them. My papaw James was a very crafty man. He was upset when mom finally cut my long hair off lol. He passed away from age and cancer started eating him bit by bit. It got to the point where his memory had faded then soon after he passed away. My Mamaw Ernestine was a amazing a strong woman also. I have found that with so many strong women in my life, that it has made me strong. My Mamaw Ernestine was a great cook. When I was sick she always made me soup and brought it to me. She was so funny and happy. But after so many heart attacks and strokes her body just became sicker and sicker. I just lost her within a year ago.  My dad is a tough subject of mine. Maybe some other time I will talk about him. Just not right now.

I am a mother of three girls. I have been married before and it did not turn out like I thought it would. Yes I am remarried and I am happy. But my past is full of struggle. It is hard being a single mother with 3 kids. But I did the best I could with what I had. I am so thankful now that I have found someone who accepts me for who I am. I am passionate, caring and full of life. But I do have downfalls. I love helping others and spending time with my family. I do have many friends but with everyone having their own lives now it seems that I never see them anymore. I guess that is life though. Blogging has become a new found hobby of mine. Maybe one day it will grow into something spectacular.

Personal Saturday entry....

Today has been a very peaceful and relaxing day here at the house. Husband let me sleep in, then we all got ready and went grocery shopping. I couldn't ask for a more perfect start to my day. Plus I did a bit of organization to the laundry room. I'm stock piled on laundry detergent from the coupon hauls that I do at Harris Teeter. I also tried out a new crock pot recipe, turned out pretty delish. Here is the link if you are interested in trying it.

 

 

But eventually toward the start of the evening I felt crappy. My whole body is achy and I feel fatigued. This has been going on for quite some time. My back starts hurting and moves down to my knees. By 8pm I'm laying in bed in tears. It's either I disappear into my room or I get moody. Anyways sorry for the whoa is me banter but it feels good to write down what Is going on in my head. Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Please feel free to leave a comment or two, let me know what you cooked over the weekend. Or if you just feel like ranting like I did go ahead lol.

 

 

Saturday Plans

Today is going to be a great day for my daughters. As you all know the new movie Cinderella is out in theaters, so my mom wants to take them. Everyone is super excited and has been non stop talking about it for days. I am on the fence about the movie because there are already so many other movies that are just like this it seems. But hey at least there is a mini clip of Frozen I will get to see. Once I watch the movie I will leave yall a review of it and you can make your mind up if you want to see it or not. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.


**UPDATE**

The movie was super cute. All three of my girls really enjoyed the movie. My oldest daughter who is 8 was glued to the movie the whole time. My 5 year who has ADHD did really well for the first half of the movie but toward the end she was wiggling around and talking lol. My 2 year old did really well for her first time in a movie theater. She watched the whole movie while scarfing down over priced soda and popcorn. I really think this is a must see movie for the whole family. No profanity, no sexual things what so ever. The actors did amazing job through out the whole thing. I must say that the theater in my small town was packed full for this movie.

Update on me plus a awesome goodie!

Everything has been going great. I decided about a month ago to start making soaps and possibly start selling them. I made my first batch the other day and they turned out pretty good. Luckily I didn't have much of a mess to clean up afterwards. Posted about selling them today and I already have a lady that wants to buy two bars. It may not seem like much, but coming from someone who is just starting is pretty decent in my book.

On another note, I know that must of my followers love to coupon. I thought I would share a site that I go to. There is great selection on coupons for many different items. Plus you can type in your grocery list and it will search for you then it will email the list of coupons it found. If you are interested in the site go to www.lozo.com . Happy couponing!